I argued with myself the other day. And when I say, “with myself” I mean with Hazel. This child. This child who I am so smitten with has become one of those creatures not unlike Gollum from Lord of the Rings. I think she spends more of her day writhing around on the floor, or her bed, or the timeout spot than she does walking upright. She is like a werewolf while it’s going through the change. It’s ugly. Loud. Somewhat entertaining. And utter nonsense.
Really, it could be about anything. Like, eating or not eating, wearing clothes or not wearing clothes, going outside or staying inside, I said yes or I said no, I offered her a snack or a toy or the moon. It is all nonsense.
This particular moment was brought to you by bed time. Ahh yes. The most anticipated and equally dreaded moment in all of motherhood. I long for bed time. I think about it and sing, “it’s the most wonderful time of the day” in my head while we are making our way to bed time. YET! Each and every day my children, and all children I assume, are taken by surprise that we must go to bed again. WHAT???? You must be crazy to make me go to bed again!! Yes, child. If you didn’t know already I am crazy. Because of you and your special toddler crazy. Anywho. The fight.
I may or may not have been in a particularly feisty mood, which may or may not have made me prone to go toe to toe with my crazy ass toddler in her crazy ass tantrums. Not the best mix for bedtime.
Daddy gave them a bath and I took Hazel to get dressed. This was our conversation…
For the best understanding, try to read Hazel’s responses with as much toddler attitude that you can. Because it was all that. Nothing but attitude. And maybe mine too.
Me: Okay Hazel, go pick out your pjs.
H: No. I’m not gonna wear that. I’m gonna wear my tank top.
Me: You can’t wear your tank top it’s dirty from today.
H: NOOOO! I’m gonna wear my tank. top.
M: Sorry babe. You can’t. You are going to wear pjs. It’s what we wear to bed.
(Long Pause= toddler is pondering her rebuttal)
H: I’m gonna tell my daddy on you.
M: Fine. I don’t care. GO tell him.
H: I am! I am gonna tell MY! DADDY! ON! YOU!
She goes to the bathroom and tattles on me to Brent who has no idea what’s going on and asks why she is still naked. Cue huge eye roll from me.
Me: Hazel! Out of the bathroom. You are getting dressed.
H: NO. NO. I am not. I’m wearing my tank. top.
We are now in the middle of the hallway straight up yelling at each other. While the husband goes about his business doing bath time.
M: You can’t tattle on mommy. It doesn’t work. Daddy is on my side. You are going to wear pjs!!
H: No. I won’t. I won’t. I am wearing my tank. top.
M: I don’t care anymore. You are going to wear pjs or go to bed naked.
H: I gonna tell my dada.
M: No you aren’t. NO YOU AREN’T.
H: I. AM.
M: Hazel. You don’t have a choice. You are going to go to bed right now.
H: No I am not. I gonna tell my dada. You not my mom. I wear my tank. top.
M: HAZEL! You are not wearing that tank top. You are going to be naked then.
H: NO I NOT!!
M: YES YOU ARE!! IT’S LIKE I’M ARGUING WITH MYSELF RIGHT NOW!!!!! WHAT ARE WE EVEN DOING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I walk her into her room while she writhes and screams. I dress her while she writhes and screams. I put her into her bed, while she writhes and screams. And then I walk out. While she writhes and screams.
I think when your baby turns two you should be given a strait jacket, ear plugs and a bottle of tequila as a gift from the whomever. Doctor. Community. God. Fellow mom’s. I don’t know. But what I do know is I have actually worn ear plugs while doing bed time because my ear drums are threatening to quit on me if I don’t.
It’s these special moments that just make me love motherhood. Said with all the sarcasm in the world. Really, these moments are hilarious in hind site. I love a good story and by golly we have a lot of them. Especially thanks to a spirited crazy little blonde girl I know. More to follow I’m sure.